Wind Direction: If ya gotta, spew downwind

[Capn Jimbo]

How do you identify a shill?


Test One

The first test is regurgitation, and all of em are guilty. In order: the Preacher, the Rum Queen, the Badassitor, the Burr Brothers and the Frozen Wolfboy. And what order is that?

Simply: just how much and how literally they cut 'n paste from the distiller.

The Preacher is best at this - his strictly regulated "...it's all good" website quickly liberates dissenters and even non-represented distillers in short order. The monkeys are so intimidated that they now mindlessly mimic the "...it's all good" mantra in their own monkey ministrations. From the promoted distillers' viewpoints it simply doesn't get any better.

Swell swill shilled in the drinker's own begging words. Perfect.

The Badassitor isn't far behind. As the Badassitor of Rum everyone expects him to fawn and fornicate with any bottle labeled rum. It's his job. Look pretty, smile, point around the audience and spew.

Next is the Rum Queen. She appears to shill in her own words, but as pointed out in this forum that can be in the form of cleverly reworded distiller marketing releases. Don't believe me? Check this out (link).

The big bad Burr Brother is worse with direct rips of distiller copy (link above). The Preacher allegedly tossed Burr out of the Shillery based on this alleged propensity (while Burr in turn called the Preacher paranoid). But Burr has some real cut throat, cut 'n paste competition from the Frozen Wolfboy who sometimes rips, and sometime rewords - but in either case - taking credit for the spew.

After I outed him on this, Wolfie then added "...according to the distiller" to his next "review". Unfortunately this caused a major confrontation with his Canadian ego and stubbornness, so it's back to business as usual.


Test Two

The second test is a kind of hypocritical, keen testing of the wind.

In "Wind Direction: Forrest Speaks" (link), Forrest is either against "celebrity rums" or for them, depending on the thread. This one is a combination of condescension and ego. It usually happens when some poor poster manages to establish a popular thread, and naturally, our self-appointed "experts" simply have to jump in and establish their alpha-knowledge and "rum expert" cred.

All of the shills are good at this one, but it's well to keep in mind that there is indeed a pecking order. Of course new posters are at the bottom and are simply expected to ask fawning questions like "What rum should I buy?". C'mon guys, have you no shame? Next are posters who've slowly and carefully expressed ever less tentative opinions - you know, the "regulars". Newbies, listen to us!

Next up? The Inner Mongolians. Getting here takes lots of time, and plenty of lip-coating vaseline. These are usually fellow professionals In-the-Biz, who exchange insider marketing droppings. Forrest and Wolfboy fall into this category. You see, it's almost a contest. Who can get closest to the Preacher.

The method: jump in and show your stuff, pull down your jockeys, turn around and shake em. This leads to test three...


Test Three

Test three really isn't a test. The inner circle jerks and the Preacher have jumped in so often for so long that they simply can't keep track of their proclamations. The result:

They are the first and best source of their own, handy contradictions.

Want to contradict one of them? Easy! It usually takes a minor amount of skilled Googling to find them contradicting themselves in another thread. Trust me, there is nothing more satisfying than to quote any of these commercial blowhards shooting themselves in the paw.

Example: One issue as dear to The Preacher as his left testicle is his ridiculous put down of Barbancourt (who sells more cane juice rums in a week than his puny rhums in a year) on the basis that years and years ago he "heard" that Barbancourt occasionally uses a bit of cane juice "honey", based on his incorrect assumption that (a) Martinique's AOC branded cane juice rums define how all other cane juice rums must be made, and (b) that the AOC version uses only "fresh cane juice".

Problem is that Saint James turns some of their cane juice into honey for - yup, you guessed it - accomodating their distilling schedules. How do you spell h-y-p-o-c-r-i-t-e? Source: the Preacher on - yes, again - his own website. And you thought I was the complete idiot...

Simply delicious, and easy. Easy I say! Next: let's examine the Frigid Wolfboy in learned action...

[Capn Jimbo]

A student speaks, but did he copy his homework?


The latest member of the Rumshillers Association is, of course, the Frozen Wolfie. But you already knew that, didn't you? Sure. Although this is not the best example, it will surely suffice...


Not long ago the Frozen Wonder actually stuck his neck out and - gulp - actually criticised a distiller about their cheap ass plastic bottles...

Wolfboy (in a "review" of Shiver Gin): "I am not enthusiastic about the plastic (PET) bottle... Plastic is particularly troublesome for me... truth is that plastic does not decompose; it remains pretty much as it is for thousands of years..."

Wow!! Is this really the ball licking Wolfboy we know so well?! And in a "review" yet! He even did his usual cut 'n paste and dropped this into his self-shilling post at the Shillery...

Wolfboy at the Shillery: "I just received two bottles of the GSS a few days ago from the NLC, one in glass, and one in PET (Plastic). I think the NLC is trying to convince me that PET is as good as Glass since I beat them up a little in my Shiver Gin Review... because I do not necessarily believe the claims that plastic is environmentally friendly. Does anyone have any thoughts on Glass versus Plastic?"

Notice the difference? Yup, he's a little more tentative - well actually a LOT more tentative at the Shillery and actually seeks advice. This is par for the course at the Shillery, as all the posters know that they remain unliberated only at the whim of the big daddy Preacher. But after a bit of back and forth wherein several monkeys take issue with Wolfie's notion of plastic's environmental unfriendliness, he does his usual gear switching and shifts the thread to alcohol/plastic leaching...

Wolfboy switching gears: "...I guess I should admit that I am not sold on the concept of alcohol sold in a plastic bottle, as I do wonder if some of the plastic makes its way into the Spirit. (I think I can taste it but I might be fooling myself....)"

Note his conformance with the Preacher's Code of Tentativeness in his use of "I guess I should... I do wonder... I think I can - but I might be fooling myself". Please don't liberate me! So there we are left, with Wolfboy tap dancing away from what was once a pretty nice and firm criticism at his own website.

So now what? Our meek malemute now crabwalks away from the Shillery back to his own wolf den, this time to discuss another NLC (Newfoundland and Labrador Liquor Corp) created product - George Street Spiced Rum - that also comes in one of Wolfie's dreaded plastic bottles.

Will the chastised and now neutered Wolfie stand firm at his own website? Will his NLC benefactors succeed in convincing him that his position on plastic is putrid? Did the Shillery monkeys' resistance modify his position? Let's see...

Wolfboy in his review: "The George Street Spiced Rum arrives in two configurations, a flask style plastic (PET) bottle with a plastic topper and easy pour spout, and a glass bar room style bottle... The label does a good job... kind of ‘pops’ if you know what I mean... will certainly catch my eye... and the back label tells just enough of the story of George Street and Newfoundland Rum to intrigue me. "

What!!?? No mention of his plastic (PET) concerns!? Not a sentence, not a word about his earlier concerns over environmental "unfriendliness", nor about BPA, nor about plastic leaching, nor about the plastic he thought he tasted.

Nope. Nada. Nil. Nothing.

This time he's slathering all over the flippin bottle, and simply can't say enough about how attractive and eye-catching it is, it's wonderful bar room style, easy pour spout, and its generally positive and intriguing nature. An amazing turn around.

How amazing?

Really, really amazing. Keep in mind that our hairy friend actually rates the bottle, and figures this rating into his final score. I'm serious. Bottles are rated from 1 to 5. Based on his Shillery inculcated "..it's all good" bias, most rum bottles get a "4". Think Flor de Cana (which are actually very nice). Only a couple "super-premiums" get a "5". Think Mount Gay 1703. And what does the ordinary, comes in plastic George Street Spiced Rum bottle get?

A "4.5"! And trust me, there are not many bottles earning this high accolade. Honestly, this is just nuts. Don't believe me? You've just gotta see how really cheesy this plastic bottle may be...

. . . . . . .


And this is the glass version - the plastic version is a faux flask - for a plastic-bottled rum it is just what we expect. A cartoonish label promoting "George Street" - a party street in New Foundland. If there's anything even remotely sophisticated or traditional about this label, I'm not seeing it. It shouts out "Spiced! SPICED!" with "rum" and "rhum" taking a back seat. Don't you love the distorted cartoon buildings? And across the bottom of the label it states...

"Newfound Original... authentic creation of over 20 Mixologists"

How classy. Authentic? Really? Let's face it - this is nothing more or less than a get-wired party rum, named and labeled after a party street in New Foundland. Neither the bottle or label is anything remotely special, and perfectly represent the plastic bottled, spiced rum it contains.

All said and done, the Wolfboy has fallen back into line, and now apparently loves this rum and its presentation, and he's back in the fold with his benefactors and the monkey crew.

Oh well...