With two of rums' few visible websites being (a) a rep who knows the real truth about "rum" but won't tell it and (b) a rank, bittermouthed tannin tasting amateur who doesn't have a clue but spews endlessly anyway...
It's so easy to come up with new and interesting material for this section.
It'd make the basis for a new reality series called "The Rum Shills of North America", programmed against "The Wives of Sussex County". Just turn on the microphones and let em spew, while the audience howls with canned laughter. Such is the sad state of rum, leaving moi to simply and humbly report the latest hilarious adventures of the Odd Couple...
The "Ed Hamilton Selection"
So how far can you bend over? Not far enough. Things have been getting really boring lately with the Frozen Furry One running out of freebie, made-up rums contributed by his butt buddies over at the NLC, and yesterday's opening page at the Shillery wherein seven of the eight new posts were by the Prophet hisself.
This never happens unless things are really, really dead there.
And they are. So to spice things up, Ed Hamilton recently announced - what else! - the "Edward Hamilton Selection" of private label rums. Not the "Ed Selection" (friendly), nor the "Ed Hamilton Selection" (a bit more formal), not the "Ministry of Rum Selection" (need to protect the facade of non-commercialism) but - "The Edward Hamilton Selection". Formal and austere, with just the right touch of seriousness and authority.
Kinda like if Ford renamed their SUV the "Edward Bauer Edition", which would never happen. Ford, unlike our commercial friend, knows how to market to the masses and the "Eddie Bauer Edition" sold very, very well. My suggestion?
The "Eddie Hamilton Special Edition Rums".
Yup, I really like that, but don't go to your dealership quite yet. So just what are the "Edward Hamilton Selection" rums? Well... uh... umm... he doesn't know yet! Nope, the "Edward Hamilton Selection" hasn't even been selected. The great one - the galaxy's leading rum resource, who allegedly knows all things rum - doesn't have a clue. In fact, he's gonna defer to his clonic minions. Can you believe that?
The Announcement
Let's do a little deconstruction. First Eddie, er Edward, states "I'm looking at a few rums to bottle under my brand name...", but - uh - doesn't name the rums. What?! Next he claims that these mystery rums "...aren't the most expensive on the planet but rather rums that aren't in large supply...". Not expensive, and not in large supply? Wow, intriguing, but once again a state secret available only to a small cadre of authorized personnel.
Now here's where it get interesting!
Next: "Small batches of barrels that are representative of a region... so what would you like to have...?". That's right - he actually actually asks his minions, you know, the bozoa who usually ask him what they should drink! Remember, here's a guy who can spew chapter and verse about the marketing successes and failures of years past, who is a rum rep fer gawds sake and who should already know what's gonna work.
But instead he's going to poll the monkeys? Havabanana. And it gets weirder and weirder...
Hamilton finally recognizes "Styles"!
Yup. Although I cannot say I've read all of his mumblings, this is the very first time I've seen Edward actually recognize and emphasize "style". Indeed, our famous spat - the one where he refused to let me resign in peace - was largely based on my proposal that "styles" existed, needed to be recognized and further, to identify rums that by consensus were best representative of those styles. The originator of rum styles was Dave Broom - I promoted them - and which Eddie, er Edward, then soundly rejected at the time.
As for now?
You heard it here first.Edward: "One of the styles I'm considering is an aged Jamaican pot still rum."
Edward has finally confirmed the Jamaican style! Oops, or has he? A "Jamaican pot still rum" surely will be Jamaican style, especially because the few Jamaican distillers have remained adamant in maintaining their style. But a "style" is simply that, a style - not a country, not a distiller. A style. But I'm gonna give him this one - I think he does mean "style" - but he gets a "C" at best for lack of clarity.
I'll also consider this a belated "I'm truly sorry" from Edward, for his long standing rejection of Broom's and my position. Accepted. Does this mean the end of his "...it's all good.." philosophy?
Say it ain't so, Jo-Jo!
Is the new mantra "...it's all good, but the 'Edward Hamilton Selection' is better..."?
It appears so, but only time will tell. Last allow me to relate yet another contradiction (or several really), this time in the same post. Usually you have to Google a bit to find them. Here goes...
1. Eddie's position was unclear, but after a couple years of The Rum Project promoting the "sweet spot" to be 7 to 10 years of age, he finally admitted that this was indeed true.
2. But in his announcement he then states "...Since I drink white, dark and rums aged more than 10 years, there will certainly be more than a few rums in this portfolio.". Does this mean he prefers rums that are outside the sweet spot? Which is it?
And last, but surely not least:
3. Regarding the selected small "batches of barrels" (he might try rewriting that one), and regarding his proposed release of a Jamaican pot stilled rum, he asks: "...would you rather have a young, one year old rum, or something that is easily (sp) to drink like a three year old rum?".
Wait a minute here!
Lessee. He admits a sweet spot (7-10 year) for rum, but because he drinks rums "over 10 years old", he then wonders if the monkeys would prefer a one year, or a three year rum?? Is up down? Or down up? Is it true that"...an orange and an apple are the same color except for the orange."? Good grief.
Bottom Line
What's amazing is this. In the two days this amazing and contradictory post went up, not a single monkey responded. Normally you hear a rousing chorus of "mee too" and other typical, sycophantic replies. Yes, Massa. Give me another one, my braless mistress. You know.
But the monkeys are stunned. The formerly rejected concept of Jimbo "styles" is now indirectly admitted. The "...it's all good" mantra - the Shillery's first commandment - has now been breached. And they are finally - for what seems like the very first time - asked for their, gulp, gasp - for their own, oh my, opinions!!
Instead of being told what to drink. Havabigbanana! I can't wait to see what happens. And apology accepted Edward, and please do take this note home to your mother. Stay tuned...
