We have long taken the position of Sydney Frank (Grey Goose) and Andy Granatelli (STP). When these gentlemen were asked what part marketing plays in their product, Andy quipped "STP? STP is marketing" while Sydney, whose Grey Goose established the super-premium category for a spirit that theretofore was most cheap shit bottom shelf, buzzy juice, said to effect: "Vodka is just alcohol and water. If I can triple the price, it's all profit".
And boy did they both profit! They learned that dumbass Americans, in our snake oil tradition, actually prefer a good story to a good product. And these my friends, is exactly why I have no respect whatever for vodka, and for the companies that have extended this con job to brown spiritis.
Vodka Taste Tests
Business Week Magazine, among others, have tended to agree and performed a dandy taste test. As you are no doubt aware there are vodka drinkers who are absolutely wedded to a particular (expensively marketed) brand. Think Grey Goose, Ketel One, Absolut, Trump and the like. Think Perrier and Dasani water. They swear by the brand, won't drink any other and make sure everybody knows it.
Of course this is absolute mooseshit.
So the Business Week author gathered such a group of die hards and organized a series of blind taste tests including straight up, chilled in frozen shots, in a dry martini and last with cranberry juice. In all but one test the vodka included their "must have" brand among other name brands plus a couple of cheepies. The last test was a clinker in that all the "vodkas" were the same one. You know the results:
Of all these drinkers and test, there was but one lucky guess and on just one of the tasting, and that lone guess was an agonized one at that: Ketel One. Many actually chose the cheap vodkas.
ABC's 20/20 performed a similar series including five super-premium vodkas (Ketel One, Belvedere, Hangar One, Stoli Elit and Grey Goose) and one economy brand (Smirnoff). They were encouraged to nose them at room temperature, then to taste each straight up and make notes. Mind you these testers were of the fanatically dedicated type. In this case the result were really amazing;
Five of the six tasters all agreed! On what? That the first vodka was clearly the worst. And what vodka was that? Grey Goose. The tasters were shocked...
This was followed by mixed drink test to see if the tasters could perceive the "nuances" in a Cosmopolitan. The result were even more striking. According to ABC "It turns out that the testers had a tough time distinguishing between cosmos made with the $62 Stoli Elit and cosmos made with the $13 Smirnoff.""No way!!!" said Freeland.
"I can't believe that!" exclaimed Kay. "I mean I'm really very loyal to it. And I just totally dismissed it."
"I'm shocked," said Gliksman. "I really am shocked, because it was bad."
"I guess that says something about the marketing then, doesn't it?" said DeGroff. "They're not relying heavily on their taste buds. They're relying more heavily on the perceived value, or the status."
I could go on, as these types of tests abound. But I had an even better test in mind...
The Capn Jimbo Patented Integalactic Penultimate Vodka Taste Test
Now even though other taste tests made clear that not only couldn't the diehards identify their own "must have" brand, and that in many cases actually chose the cheaper if not cheapest brand, I wanted to perform the ultimate test. Not that I have ever been accused of being an extremist (personally I call it my Mediterranean passion).
It starts here.
I have a good friend, a former bartender and hard drinking former military officer, and on whom I've wasted more than a few great rums and whiskies. Waste you say? Why? Simple. He's a balls-to-the-wall vodka drinker, and swears - hand to his heart and with a snappy salute - that he drinks nothing but Pinnacle, although he also owns Absolut, Ketel One, and New Amsterdam.
We own just one - Svedka - and only because it was a very good deal. I know better. So I invited the Colonel over for a vodka taste test. I told him I had two - Svedka and a French Maxim - that he'd never had. I said we'd set up a nice blind tasting. But there was a catch...
My Maxim actually wasn't Vodka!
What!? So what was what I hoped would be the clinker? It was - tada! - Graves Grain Alcohol! The absolute bottom of shelf, cheapest of the cheap, 151 proof, pure alcohol firewater. I then diluted it to 80 proof (40%) with tasteless distilled water and carefully poured it into the terribly fancy blue Maxim bottle - very classy! And it was this faux "Maxim" that I later presented to the Colonel with a flourish, "I have a special treat for you...". "Nice bottle" he admiringly replied.
Ha!
The Test
I decided to give my good friend and unknowing test subject every single benefit of the doubt so I first asked "How do you like to drink your vodka?". Straight up, with a single ice cube. So I carefully poured 1-1/2 shots of each and added a cube and served in a small rocks glass, in this order:
1. Pinnacle: his gotta-have, swear-by-it favorite
2. Absolut
3. Ketel One
4. New Amsterdam
5. Svedka
6. "Maxim"
The results were astounding...
1. Pinnacle: "...good, a little bite, not as smooth as I expected"
2. Absolut: "...smooth, nice, no bite, a little aftertaste"
3. Ketel One: "...even, smooth, real good, excellent"
4. New Amsterdam: " ...slight bite, and a bitey aftertaste"
5. Svedka: "...no bite, but a little aftertaste
6. "Maxim": "...smooth, no bite, but a slight aftertaste"
We then did some elimination tasting.
And his comparison? "I hated number one (his Pinnacle), it was the worst! Number two and four weren't much better (Absolute and New Amsterdam). All said my favorite is number three (Ketel) but five and six were both very good, pretty close (Svedka, "Maxim").
Holy Moly, Batman! The Colonel hated his signature vodka, and found the most and least expensive vodkas nearly equal, along with - tada! tada!... grain alcohol.
Bottom Line:
Yes, I had finally conducted the True Ultimate Vodka Test and grain alcohol was scored up high with the most expensive vodka on the list, while the Colonel's gotta-have, go-to Pinnacle was the only one he absolutely rejected (pun intended).
Let's all raise a Graves to Sydney and Andy...